Monday, September 14, 2009

Final thoughts on a season passed . . .

This season has certainly been an incredible experience. It's difficult to know where to begin, really; how do you encapsulate a feeling in words? They aren't good enough for this, but they are all I have. There is a pull inside me to eschew words all together after this summer just passed, but I cannot lose the ability to communicate and go completely inside myself, attractive as that idea might seem at times. So here goes.

Try to imagine a tree. It starts with just a seed that has the promise of becoming, without the certainty that it truly will. It could be eaten by a bird first, or washed away in a rain storm. It could sprout and be uprooted. It could wither before its time. In rehearsals, I felt like the seed: so much potential waiting for me to touch it, but so much fear too. Am I good enough? Am I qualified to be here with these people? Will others look at me in this group and shake their heads, wondering why I'm with them? Am I too clumsy, too fat, too old, just plain not right? I struggled, but I took root in the ground during those weeks, and tentatively started to push up through the soil.

The tree sprouts and starts to grow, but it's fragile and thin, unable to bear weight. For the first few weekends at Faire, I tried to find my feet. I had very little confidence in myself, and I still often felt awkward and out of place. Gaia was in me, but not in my limbs yet; I was still "pretending" to be her, rather than being her. I still felt like an imposter. But, every time a child came up to me with wonder in their eyes, every time they smiled and treated a leaf like the best gift in the world, or touched my hand in awe, I started to believe.

The tree starts to grow strong, rings building upon rings. Now I could start to feel her in my arms, in my legs, in the tilt of my head. I started to learn unexpected things about her, that she is shy, and curious, and gentle. Slowly, children started to restore my faith in people, their guiless sweetness meant more to me than anything else. I am mistrustful of most adults, but children were like brightly-colored birds, to be handled carefully and fawned over, often nervous, sometimes frightened, but always real. I began to see myself reflected in their eyes, and started to belong.

It took time, but by the end the tree had tentatively spread tender, callow branches to the sky and unfurled yellow-green leaves to the sun, sinking roots deep in the earth. It is a new tree still, fragile, but with care will keep growing. I found stillness within, and though I often stumbled and caught myself "pretending", that stillness was always waiting for me. It was there in the dragonfly and the moth, in the chiming music of the spheres, in the play on sun and shadow in the meadow grass, and in the eyes of so many children. I became fae, and it was deeply trabsformative and powerful; I do not think I will experience its like again, in any other role. I am already looking forward to next year.

24 comments:

sam said...

Hi Ginger, I found your blog through a link Maggie put up on costumersguide - your analysis of the red queen costume is amazing. I'm working on the costume - I post progress on my lj account [scotia_sammyjo] but I've had to keep it friends locked since some unfortunate crossover between fun costume and scientist lives caused me some trouble.... As I was looking through your recent entries I just wanted to tell you the makeup you did for your fairy character is stunning, and I saw your Zhaan as well, I would love to read an entry about the specifics of doing that type of makeup...
Sam

Ginger said...

Zhaan was an early makeup job, done with creme-base makeups. If I did it again (which I might!) I would use the airbrush for everything. It gives a much cleaner, more even look for that kind of makeup. Next time I do a character like that, I promise to post a tutorial!

Good luck on Queen of Hearts; keep me posted on how its going!

pk said...

Another beautifully written post! Hope you have a great day...
pk @ Room Remix

Helen McGinn said...

My goodness, the costume is beautiful. Did you make that??

Jessica said...

beautiful! what a fun job you have.
Stopping by from SITS!

Kim said...

The picture is fabulous. Best of luck on your move to LA. (Although, I've lived in Chic. and it is fabulously wonderful!). Happy SITS day!
@ Cheap Chic Home.

Raising Z said...

What a beautiful metaphor :) You look amazing! Happy SITS day!!

AmericanTribal said...

I loooove your costume! I also love the way you describe children. You definitely have a gift.

Blessed Be :)

www.americantribal.blogspot.com

Sonja, Queen of Crafts said...

Happy SITSday again - interesting metaphor for developing as ... well, as anything. Best of luck for your future plans!

Kari @ p.s. love.love. said...

Children ARE always real and can make our outlook on things become alive and inspiring. Love the picture.

Brandi said...

Your makeup and costume are so incredible. For years I wanted to work at a Ren Faire (actually, I still do). It's so interesting to hear about your experiences there.

drala625 said...

You look amazing.

Hoity Toity Baby said...

You have a way with words!

Midday Escapades said...

Your post really touched me. Sometimes I feel like I am "pretending" to be me, instead of being me. You expressed yourself very well and you look so good in costume!

Glad to have found your site through SITS.

Brenda Jean said...

What a beautiful costume, and the make-up too. It sounds like a wonderful experience!

Michelle said...

Sounds wonderful. I would love to go to one some day. We've never been.

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

Magical!

Crystalin Dunn said...

Did you do your own makeup and costume? They're absolutely stunning! Thanks for sharing your feelings on such an extraordinary experience. Happy SITS day!

Single Mama NYC said...

You are so fortunate to have had these experiences. They will be with you always.

Yaya said...

Yay for confidence!

Robin said...

...and so you will be all the more for it...

Lamonica Epps said...

Wonderful post. You look great in the picture. I like the costume and makeup.

Stopping by from SITS

Love giveaways? Love green cleaning products? Check out my very first giveaway at my blog:

http://fabulousgccandles.blogspot.com/2009/10/fabulous-candles-first-gold-canyon.html

Kristen said...

You have such a way with words. An art.

Jennifer Bowen said...

I love the way you write! I wish I was as great of a writer. Great post! =)