Tuesday, March 29, 2011

In the Dark . . .

So last night I had my first real paranoid freak-out about being here alone. A series of probably unconnected events: strangers who knew my name calling out to me from a car, an SUV that seemed like it was slowly following me down the street, some random guy staring at me, all came together in my brain and nearly put me into full-blown panic. I got home, locked my doors and put the chain on, and sat in my little hallway, shaking and picturing someone climbing over my fence and busting through my window in the middle of the night.

I did the smart thing: I called my BFF, B, and he talked me down. I've always been cautious and aware of being a single woman, vulnerable to attack. When I walk after dark I keep my eyes open; I try to notice strangers who hang around a lot and I try to vary my routines. I know bad things can happen. But, I don't live with crushing panic all the time, no one could. Still, last night it was just the perfect storm of little things that blew up in my brain to make me afraid, and I hated it.

I will go home tonight and lock my doors again, and I will try not to feel afraid. But, I will feel better knowing I have a knife under my mattress now, even if I could not imagine ever using it.


ThePeSla said...

You are not alone, seamstress.

Circumstances have it I may have to move in a month or so with my son to Chicago. It has been awhile since I have lived in such a big city and the pace of it.

Good luck on your move and expectations and projects. By the way the Ballgown was beautiful and classic.

The PeSla

A Place At The Table said...

I know this feeling, and have those same moments - The way my house is, cats can run across the roof and it will take me to a place of fear really fast, I have to stop and remind myself that its the cats and that I am ok. I believe there is so much strength in over coming these moments, I am always careful, my firewood is stacked neatly by the door so I don't have to go outside after dark, I lock the screen door and the front and back doors, my routine varies, I have timers on my lights so I don't come home to a dark house and a timer on the radio so there is a male voice that can be heard, a police officer told me once to always have a note written and on the fridge, it says " Hi Honey!! I will be home in a bit!! Love you" If anyone came in they would not assume I was going to be alone....little tricks that let me sleep through the night - be safe, be practical and follow your gut!!

LibertyJBE said...

I'm totally with you. My husband travels for work and I'm alone for a month or so at a time. I just try to make my brain think I'm safe. I also insisted on adopting a dog and she gets to sleep with me when my husbands gone.