Yesterday was a craptastic day.
It was one of those perfect storms of awful: work, personal life, emotions, everything conspired together to make me feel shitty. Everybody has those days, and I guess everyone is entitled to them sometimes. I have never made it a secret on this blog that I struggle with depression, and that this past year has been hard for me. At times this blog is like my online journal, and I put my sadness and frustration out there, not necessarily needing a response, just needing to be expressed. I did that yesterday. And I got a response: my first piece of "hate-mail".
Generally I consider myself fairly uncontroversial. Yes, I post about some things that I have no doubt some of my readers disagree with, and I have strongly held opinions and beliefs. But, I assume the bulk of my readers are people who know me, and most would not consider posting something angry or rude in response to anything I wrote. I'm used to mostly positive reinforcement, I suppose, and have gotten softened by that.
Yesterday, I received a comment on my blog that was vitriolic and angry and could not in any catagory be termed "supportive". A stranger, who chose to set up an anonymous handle just this very month, decided that my sadness and frustration was irksome, and told me to stop complaining, to just give up and move back to Chicago. Told me that it was clear I would never find what I was looking for. That I should quit on my dreams, and I was living in denial.
Well, Anonymous, here is my response to that:
Yes, I was sad yesterday, and there are elements to my current situation that feel untenable and impossible. At the moment, I cannot see a way clear to the path I want to be on. But, the last thing I am is a quitter or a runner, and I DON'T GIVE UP. Maybe I will never acheive my dreams. But, it won't be because I got sad and moved 2000 miles in shame after only a year of trying to make it. I'm on the first leg of a marathon, and there is a long way to go, and whether I make it in the entertainment industry or not, I LIKE California. I have no intention of leaving, even when I get lonely and miss everyone back in Chicago.
And, I refuse to apologize for my post yesterday. Yes, it was maudlin. But, it was true to my freelings, and I needed to get it out. This is my blog, not written for money or for fame or for anyone else, and if I want to spend a month discussing the merits of different types of cheese, I will. Actually, that might be fun. But, regardless, though I am not looking for support, I reject the anger and vitriol. Perhaps you were simply having a bad day too. But, I find it amusing that while I express my opinions and feelings with my name stamped proudly on them, you chose to express yours from behind a grey silhouette. Much safer that way, isn't it?
I must say that Anonymous' comments had the opposite to their intended affect; I am more determined even than I was before to stay and make a go of this life here. Maybe it sounds like I'm living in denial, but no one ever got anywhere great by playing it safe. Dreams are like house plants: you can quit watering them when they start to wither, and just let them die from neglect. Or you can sprinkle some fertilizer on the dirt and pray for a sprout. I'm going to get out my watering can and watch for the green.