Fear . . .

from: We Heart It

This morning, grey, chilly, and rainy, seems the perfect seat for my fear. My work is restructuring, and whenever this has happened in past jobs, it involves a meeting with my superiors where they tell me how much they like me, what a good job I've been doing, they'll be happy to give me excellent references, but that they just can't afford to keep me anymore. I have been laid off from three jobs in three years in exactly this way. It means that every job now feels like a tightrope walk: I cannot make mistakes, I cannot be sick too many times, I cannot ask for too much. I must always smile and be positive, bake cookies and cakes for the office and decorate for holidays, and try to hope that I matter to someone, that someone thinks I am important. I have always felt disposable, as though it never matters to anyone whether I'm there or not; an ex actually said this to me once, and I've never been able to forget it. I cannot afford to lose another job, not now, when so much is contigient on paying my bills and saving money for my move.

I just cannot take this fear in my stomach, like a rock. I wish I could feel secure somewhere.