Thursday, May 6, 2010

Sunshine and Lemonade . . .

 . . . I figured that was a better title than "Stress and Sudden Bouts of Crying".

This week, indeed the past few months, have been such a frigging struggle. I'm still on the upswing of this episode of depression, meaning I haven't crested the top of this particular hill yet, and I know things are still going to get worse. Talk to me in two months when Faire has started and I have zero free time, I'm tired 24/7, and the move is less than 6 months away.

I had an anonymous crying jag yesterday; I sat and thought about everything I had to do in a very short amount of time, and couldn't motivate myself to do any of it. I now have to pull an all-nighter tonight to get a client's dress finished, and that still leaves a hat to make for someone else. I'm about to put down a ridiculous amount of money on a booth at a craft fair that may or may not accept me, and if they do it means making 20 or 30 new pieces in the next four months. I need to transfer title and plates on a car that I can't really afford right now, but can't afford to be without. I hate my job at the moment, and often feel like more of a desk accessory than a person. I am so stressed and terrified over money that I can hardly breathe, and it's only going to get worse once I am alone in a strange city that costs twice as much as here. I am frustrated with my body and am lately having increasing thoughts about restricting my food intake drastically, though I know how unhealthy this would be. I have almost constant headaches. I'm not sleeping well. I can't seem to deal with anything.

Yay, depression!

I didn't mean for this to turn into some sort of litany of problems, but things have been building up, and it seems like I can't talk to anyone about it right now; everyone else is stressed too, so they don't need to hear about my problems. I stuff it inside and smile, and do the dutiful, needful things, making all the right sounds and going through the motions, while inside I'm panicking and paralyzed. I have always been a "Get Shit Done" machine, and I'm not going to get in bed and not get up one morning; I know that's not allowed. But, I'm going to hit a wall, probably sometime around August or September, and there will be a very loud thud when I do.

Because I need cheering, here are five things that make me happy:
1. A warm breeze in golden colored sunshine
2. Iced chai with vanilla
3. Petting a rabbit sitting on your chest
4. Having interesting philosophical arguments with people I care about
5. Going someplace special on a nice day, like to the zoo or a museum
Extra special bonus 6. All the people supporting me right now. I am difficult to live with at the moment, and I don't say it enough, but I appreciate everyone who's trying to help. I promise to turn back into a hman being soon.


Premabast said...

Hang in there, Ginger. You'll make it through this Depression, we who love you will still love you, and all your hard work will be worth it.
Love from Leeds,

ThePeSla said...

If that is as bad as it gets it could not be that bad.

Ed said...

Whenever I'm feeling down and self-involved, I think of all the people in the world. Think of the billion who live in China alone, who probably have worse problems than you and I combined. It sounds like you think too much. The American way is to stress out. Remember to smile.

Chaz said...

I hear you -- loud and clear. It is such a hard struggle and I wish I had the magic bullet to kill depression. Alas, I don't. But I will say this -- you create so much beauty despite your pain. You make other people's lives happier despite your own sadness and toil. You don't give up. Your bravery is a dashing scarlet flag. Thank you for all you do. (MA)

Gypsy Road said...

breathe, mama. breathe.

your work is incredible. you are exactly where you're supposed to be. everything is going to be ok.

depression is a battle of the soul. things in your life are out of alignment and your body is asking you to listen to the parts that it spends time dreaming of. you are no desk accessory and deep inside you know it.

take vitamin b. and vitamin d. the body craves it right now after so many months without the grace of the sun. eat only foods that nature creates so that your system knows what to do with the ingredients, just like in the era of your fancy. if you feel like getting restrictive, eliminate dairy. nothing else.

when I am in a similar circumstance, a good friend tells me: breathe in. breathe out. ancient yogi technique. works wonders.

I have to sign under my etsy team account since your security settings won't allow a name and url, but I'm julie from just found your work and I'm trying to put my eyes back into my head.

blessed be, lovely lady.