Waking the Faery . . .

Two rehearsals into the new season, and I'm remembering old rhythms and discovering new ones. Gaia is a friend now, but it seems like she matured a little over the last year; she is slower, less shy, and more apt to hold her head high and meet the others as though she belongs. Perhaps it is because I finally feel that I belong.

Last season, I struggled with intense feelings of inadequacy. I was too old, too uncoordinated, too fat, too anything to be a faery. The Fantastickals were lithe, incredibly beautiful otherworldly things, and my director had somehow made a mistake in casting me. I would be the Fat Fantastickal that everyone laughed at. But, slowly, very gradually, I began to find myself over the season. Every child that looked at me in wonder made me see myself in their eyes; every picture of Gaia I found astonished me, as though I was looking at someone else. I started to feel grounded, safe, and intensely present in her skin; I wasn't "playing" at being her. She was in me.

This season will be different. I can already feel the subtle changes in how I feel inside her skin; she is comforting, a familiar now. Last year when I looked for inspiration in the animal world I chose things lower to the earth in an attempt to root me. Now, I know my feet are on the ground, and I'm looking to the sky; she is a giraffe, tall, stately, graceful (with occasional moments of awkwardness). I am finding it easier to return to her, and I'm looking forward to what she shows me this year: about the world, and about myself.