Thursday, October 28, 2010

No Plan B . . .


I had a long and upsetting talk with my sister last night, outlining my fears for the next few months re: the Big Move.

See, all my life, I've been a Fixer, a Get-Shit-Done Machine, a Problem Solver. We had a lot of roadblocks when I was younger, never enough money, and I became an expert at figuring out how to make things happen. I could create elaborate Rube Goldberg-esque plans to try to get the things myself and my family wanted or needed. I very rarely took no for an answer, because I've always believed that if you wanted something enough there was a way to get it. Everything I've gotten in my life has been gotten through this skin-of-your-teeth mentality; nothing has ever just happened or landed in my lap.

The Big Move is like this: I made the decision, and I haven't stopped fighting since. Every waking moment has been spent planning and scheming and rearranging plans and schedules and budgets. My life is focused, incredibly focused, on getting out there. And, I have no Plan B if I fail.

I'm starting to really believe that I won't find a job. And, without a job, I can't leave Chicago. Period. I do not have the money saved to live out in LA for two or three months while I look for a job there; I would need an extra $5-7K, and unless I get a sugar daddy or a Daddy Warbucks in the next month, that won't be possible. The dreary abyss this idea opens before me is vast and almost inescapable; when I have been so trained on being there, staying here will be a failure of epic proportions. I would have to admit to myself and everyone else that I just wasn't good or smart enough to make this happen, and now I'm stuck with the alternative. I don't know how to survive that.

This sounds grandiose and over-dramatic, but I don't know how you get more important than the rest of your life. Here in Chicago, I would never make enough money to save enough to leave and live on my own at the same time, so if I don't leave in January (while I'm still able to share rent and bills) and I'm forced to find a place here, I'll never get out. Ten years from now I'll be shovelling out my car from another snow storm and I'll look back on this time and realize that this was where I lost my dream. Not because I gave up or was too afraid to try for it. Because I failed.

There is no Plan B. My new life starts in January, or it stays in limbo. And for once, I don't know how to make this work.

5 comments:

padawansguide said...

What field are you looking to find a job in? I can certainly ask around. The best way to find jobs is by knowing someone, so maybe one solution is using your internet contacts to see if anyone has any suggestions for you, or would be willing to pass your resume around.

Worst case, there are tons of restaurants in LA, and I would think you would be able to find some sort of work just to bring in some money while you look for a job in your field.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Sure, it's possible that this won't work out for you - but you will have at least tried and you won't be stuck knowing that you could have but didn't. And I do think that you are such a planner that you could very much pull this off.

I do know some costumers in LA too, if you would like to be kept in the loop for costume events, I'm sure they would do so if you'd like me to mention your moving there to them. One of them (bauhausfrau) just moved out there recently too. We used to do lots of costume stuff out here east, so I'm sure she'd love more people to do costumes stuff with now that she's in CA.

You can totally do this. If you really want this as much as I think you do, you have to at least try.

Ginger said...

Maggie,

Trust me, I'm trying. I've been doing nothing but that for a year. I have talked to everybody I know with contacts out there, most of whom shake their heads politely and say they just can't help, and they're really sorry. I have networked my ass off; my BFF, who knows Colleen Atwood, has been trying to get me work with her, but Colleen has informed him that very few costumers are hiring unestablished people right now, so not only can she not use me, but it's unlikely anyone else can either. I'm trying to get admin work desperately, working every angle so hard it hurts, and coming up empty.

If you have any contacts I can talk to, please, please send them. Restaurant work won't pay me enough to have an apartment out there, so admin work is the better option. But, I will literally talk to anyone about anything right now.

Ginger said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
padawansguide said...

Oh, I know - I wasn't trying to imply that you weren't trying. Can you send me a resume or some idea of what you're looking for? I'll see if I can come up with any leads for you.

I really want this to work for you. :-(

padawansguide at gmail dot com

Ginger said...

Thanks, Maggie. It's frustrating to be a do-er, and then feel like I have to rely on other people to get something done! I do know, however, that I'll probably only be able to find a job with help, through friends. I'll send you my info;)