Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Becoming Real . . .

As stressed as I am about January, and about not yet having a job, something curious has happened over the last few months. I stopped feeling afraid to leave.

At the beginning of the year this target was still a long way off and still felt like something some movie character was going to do:

SCENE: Girl picks up her life and moves to LA for a shot at becoming a star.

Any time I talked about the move to my skeptical and discouraging friends I kept my voice resolutely upbeat, confident, and positive; if none of them believed I could do it, I had to believe that much harder, and never waver. Inside, of course, I was as skeptical of myself as they were. And, I was terrified. Who was I to believe in myself? Why should I think I could do this without a net? Alone? But, I couldn't say these things to anyone, because I didn't want to hear anyone say, "Then, don't do it." That would be all that was needed to crumble my resolve, and topple any threads of faith I had in myself to make this happen. But I was scared to do it. I had never lived on my own, so independent, so cut off from my support system. There was a part of me, in the back, whispering insistently, that never believed I could do this.

Then, somewhere in the last 11 months, the fear started to go away. It happened so gradually I didn't even notice it leaving; suddenly I wasn't just giving lip-service to my plans. I wasn't pretending to have a confidence in my leaving. It wasn't just a wish, or a hope, or the plot of some movie happening to somebody else.

It was real.

Somewhere in the last year, I realized that I really am leaving. In January, I will be 2000 miles away from here, sitting in another office, most likely, typing at another computer. I will be shopping at a new grocer, parking my car outside my tiny-ass studio apartment, arranging my furniture until everything is just so and it feels like home. I will be making a new life.

Sure, there are some substantial roadblocks still to overcome. I'm short on funds. I don't have a job in LA yet. I don't have a tiny-ass apartment to move into. But, I'm sending belief-rays so intensely out into the universe that I'm not willing to give up this plan yet. It will happen, somehow. No Plan B, remember?

I was talking to someone the other day about the move, and all that still has to fall into place before it can happen. He looked at me after all my talk of struggling to find a job and worrying about not having enough money and simply said, "Yeah, but, you're ready. You sound ready." It made me smile.

I am ready.


LibertyJBE said...

You sound so ready and you shouldn't talk yourself out of leaving. LA is awesome! I live in LA, so you can always come hang out with me. I volunteer at a living history museum and I'd encourage you to come join us if you're at all interested. You already have the clothes for Victorian Los Angeles. I'll keep my ears open for jobs for you as your move comes closer. Where do you want to live in LA?

LibertyJBE said...

You sound ready to move and I think its courageous, but necessary for you. In a few years all this anguish will be int he past and you'll probably be happy and settled. You can always come hang out with me. I live in LA. Where are you hoping to live?

I also volunteer at a living history museum. You should totally join us if you can. Looks like you already have the clothes for Victorian Los Angeles!

Ginger said...

Hi, Jessica!

I'm looking to settle as close to Hollywood as I can, but I'd really like to live in Echo Park/Silverlake. This is hindered by the fact that I don't have a job yet, of course!

Which museum do you work for? Sounds like a blast, and the perfect excuse to make more historical clothing;)

LibertyJBE said...

Its called Heritage Square and its very small but very fun.

Ginger said...

It looks seriously fabulous! I'm definitely coming for a visit when I'm in town!

It reminds of the place I do a Civil War reenactment at every May:

LibertyJBE said...

Very cool! Our museums not as developed, but we're working on it.

Looking forward to meeting you when you make it to LA!