Monday, August 29, 2011

Whole-hearted . . .

The video above is twenty minutes long, and it is well-spent. I teared up five times watching it.

I have talked about my struggles on this blog before. I have clinical depression, which is something a large percentage of people fight for most of their lives, only some of whom actually understanding the nature of the blanket holding them down. For those of us who do understand that blanket, it doesn't make crawling out all that much easier. It's seldom that I hear a discussion that encapsulates my core issues as succinctly as the above does.

You are enough. It's amazing how difficult those words are to say. If I could look at my life, and at all the issues I have created for myself (for, I firmly believe we are the authors of our own misfortunes), the whole thing boils down to my inability to believe this simple statement. Deep within myself, I feel I will never, ever be enough, for myself or for anyone else, and I fight this battle to do more, to be more, to be smarter, stronger, thinner, cleverer, prettier, sexier, funnier. My inadequacies run like a vein of quartz through my character and feed into every area of my life. Didn't get asked out by that guy? Obviously you're not interesting enough, or attractive enough. Didn't get contacted about that opportunity? Obviously you're not talented enough. Feel alone? Obviously, you're unworthy of having friends.

Now, I know how unhealthy the above statements are, and that they're inherently untrue. If a guy isn't interested in me, it's got more to do with him than it has to do with me. If I get passed over for an opportunity, there are a hundred factors in the decision I'll never know. But, it has always been my internal monologue to blame my unhappiness on the fact that I am not enough for anyone.

TED is a pretty cool idea, even if it does cost thousands of dollars to attend in person. All the talks end up online, so it really is fairly easy to benefit from the people who speak there, even if you're not rich. A friend of mine posted a link to this talk on Facebook, and there were several lightbulb moments for me within. I know there are people who would consider me courageous, but I don't really have the kind of courage described in the talk: the courage to be vulnerable. If I did, I wouldn't be so discontent with my life.

Dear readers: say "I love you" first. Do something in front of others that might make you look silly, and do it with gusto. Live with your whole heart. Embrace your vulnerability. Know that you are enough.

I will keep trying to open myself up and live authentically. I want so desperately to be known, to be seen . . . I just have to let people see me.

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