Fada an lá go sámh . . .

I'm having a pretty rough summer so far, missing my faeries.

I knew it would be hard to give up Bristol and the Fantastickals, but you never really know how hard something will be until you're in it. I've dealt with the loneliness of missing friends and family out here (and am still dealing with it everyday), but the particular loneliness of missing Faire is something separate.

Nine years ago, when I started doing Bristol, I had no friends. I have never been a person who makes friends easily; I keep to myself and don't let many people in. I'm not naturally gregarious or outgoing, and I don't really enjoy many social settings. When I started Bristol, I was enveloped in this nurturing environment and suddenly developed this huge circle of people around me. I was a part of something big, and I was loved and accepted.

Becoming a faery was a huge journey for me, as I've written extensively about on this blog. It was more than a physical transformation, much more, and setting it aside to come to California was difficult. But, I don't think I fully appreciated how difficult until now. Seeing the pictures starting to pop up on Facebook and the web cuts like a knife in a very deep part of me, and I feel divided from something that fulfilled me. A lot of people would say that I'm on to bigger and better things, but it doesn't really feel like that right now: it feels like being out in a huge place all alone, unhappy, treading water and waiting for things to get better.

I knew I would reach this point around now; it's been six months, and I warned my BFF B that when I got to this place and said "I shouldn't have come out here, I want to come home", that he was supposed to tell me no. I know I need to stick it out and hold on for better times. But I wake up each Monday with a stone in my heart, wondering why I'm here when the threads of my life are somewhere else.

I remember Sunday afternoons at Bristol. There was a quiet time some weekends, just before the joust ended. The Faery Glen was uncrowded, and you could sit against a tree, lean your head back against the bark, and just let the world wash over you. Yes, it could be sticky and hot and tiring; some patrons were rude, some days it was so crowded you could barely move and hardly think. But, I remember now the incredible moments of silence and grace, the wonderful children and moving experiences. The friends.

This weekend I sat inside, watching DVDs and writing. But mostly, I was wishing I was somewhere else.

Extra credit: the title is Gaelic: "Long is the peaceful day".

Legal!

I went to the DMV yesterday, and I am officially legal to drive around California now;) Technically, I was perfectly legal before; my IL Driver's License was still completely valid. But, it feels nice to know I'll be getting my California license in a few weeks.

I do need to say something about what I've learned from the experience:

1. Make an appointment. I'm not kidding. I was in and out in under 2 hours. People who hadn't made appointments had been sitting there when I arrrived, and some were still sitting there when I left.

2. Study the goddamned Rules of the Road book. Seriously. When I took the written test, everyone, with the exception of one other person ahead of me, failed the test. Everyone. It is not hard, people. I only got one question wrong, because I READ THE BOOK.

3. Don't overdo it on makeup and hair before you take your picture, or the DMV ladies behind the glass will roll their eyes and laugh at you. There was a girl before me who looked like she was going straight to a club after she left the DMV, and I could tell the women were not impressed. She also tried to give them a glamour shot, tilting her head and smiling in a "come hither" kinda way. To which the state employee, who had been sitting in her chair for probably six hours and was done with girls like this, snapped, "Look straight at the camera, lips together." She took two more shots before she was satisfied that the girl was following directions.

4. Follow directions. One kid was failed for checking his cell phone while he was waiting in line to have his test graded, since there are signs saying "no electronic devices" posted everywhere. The guy behind the window busted him, and made him take the test again.

All in all, I had a pretty smooth time of it, and I'm on to the next step: buying a car.

Dum, da dum dummmmmm.

So Let Go . . .

That's a line from one of my favorite songs, from one of my favorite artists: Imogen Heap. In case you were wondering.

If you're new to this blog and don't read on a daily basis, or if you tend to skip over stuff that isn't crafty, then you've probably missed that the move out here was ridiculously hard. From planning to execution to the now day-to-day living in a strange place and doing things I've never had to do before, this has been a pretty big trial. Some days feel easier than others; the sun shines, things go right, and I sail through the day unscathed. Other days . . .

It's sort of like my car. I start her up and she fights each acceleration, each gear shift. She shakes and trembles and kinda hates it here. Some days just feel like a fight from the moment I get out of bed, pushing through each hour, counting them and hoping the day will soon be over, but feeling a bit like I've cheated myself to spend a day like this. I know I've only been here a few months, but there's a part of me that feels like I'm wasting time because I'm not doing what I came out here to do. Like I'm letting myself down.

This is one of those days when I want a fairy godmother. She would pop into existence, wave her wand, and magically I would find myself in the perfect place in my life, safe, loved, and secure. It's silly and not very enlightened, especially for someone who's fought so hard to be independent and prove she can make it on her own. But, on days like today, I just want to be pampered and cared for and not have to keep forcing my life to shift into the next gear.

I think I need some more Imogen Heap and a little iced chai.

A Place in the Sun . . .

So, this weekend saw several advances in my little world; none earth-shattering, but still exciting for me. My tax return came through, which means two things:

1. I can get a car to replace my ailing Serenity, so she can retire to that nice farm.

2. I can take care of a few small things around the apartment.

I'll be car shopping the weekend of the 23-24th, so I'm sure I'll blog more about that then. It promises to be an interesting experience.

As for the apartment: I now have a chair, which means that when people come over, they no longer have to stand around awkwardly. Yay! I'll be slipcovering it just as soon as I narrow the fabric choices down from about eleventy-billion. I also have a kitchen garbage can with a lid now, which disappoints Viola, as climbing into the garbage is one of her favorite pasttimes. I made a shower curtain and a kitchen curtain from some stuff I had lying around, and fabric is on the way for my living room curtains. I'm also close to having what I need to make my new bedding, so I won't look so much like a sad college student with no coverlet;)

I know these don't seem like momentous things, but for me, they're little steps towards making my place a home, the first home that's ever really been mine. It feels pretty nice;)

The Lonelies . . .

The last few months here in California have been too stressful for me to notice any homesickness: between money woes, car woes, and job woes, I just didn't have any extra energy to think all tat hard about how far away I was from everyone I know. Now that I've started the new job (read: yay!), I am finally starting to realize just how lonely it is being 2000 miles away from everyone who loves you.

I've always been a person who enjoys solitude. I'm usually most myself when I'm alone, and I find moments of grace in the quiet afternoon sitting alone in a park or reading on a porch. I like setting my own schedule for things, saying at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Saturday that I'm going to go to the drug store, or for a walk, or showering at 2 in the afternoon. I like not having to consult a committee before making plans.

At the same time, I'm realizing just how seldom I really have been alone in my life, truly alone. One of the only periods I lived alone was my sophomore year in college, and that didn't have such great consequences for me. I guess I've wanted a life of solitude as a kind of exercise in the idea of it, while the practice has me sitting at home most nights watching DVD's on my laptop and going to bed at 8:30.

I really do miss being able to travel 40 minutes to see people, hopping on a bus or train or in a car and going to see friends, having plans every weekend, or just going to the mall with my sister. Now, if I'm shopping, there's no one to turn to and point out something funny, or tragic, or interesting. I can choose whatever movies I want to see, but there's no one to discuss them with on the ride home. I've never been much of a hugger, but I haven't been hugged by anyone in close to three months, and that's given me a whole new appreciation of them.

I know eventually I'll start making friends out here, but truthfully, I've never made friends easily. I think it'll be a long time before I have people to go places with, so I'm going to have to adjust my thinking and get used to the solitude.

It's not really a bad thing, it's just not all it's cracked up to be.

Thoughts for Today . . .

 

I think that pretty much sums it up.

Vlogging arrives!

Vlogging is finally here! I had to walk down to my local Starbucks to upload these (grr, T-Mobile, grr, grr!)but I was finally able to post them! They are not Shakespeare; they're not even particularly engrossing. But, this is me, this is my neighborhood, and these are my ramblings;) Enjoy!

Color Me Happy . . .

 I just got some good news: I'm allowed to paint my place! In my mind, the possibilities are endless, and all that remains is choosing what colors I want. Should I choose a deep teal? It is my favorite color!

 Maybe a more mellow sky blue. Great for a beach place!

 There's always super-drama! I can totally see myself going for a bright pink or orange . . .

 . . . or even black. Still, I'd keep this as an accent wall, if anything.

  And, for the kitchen, I'm thinking red, orange, or yellow. I have blue tiles on the sink already, so I want something to coordinate with that.

I'm obviously very excited! Now, I just have to wait until I have money to buy paint . . . ;)

What do you think, dear readers? What colors should I choose?

Leaving on a Jet Plane . . .

As this posts, I should be in the air, on my way to California. Wish me luck, dear readers; the day is finally here!

Auld Lang Sine . . .

Today, my last here in Chicago, is full of recollection and reflection. I have lived here pretty much my whole life, and have only briefly lived anywhere else. I have railed against the weather, the public transit, the sheer inconvenience at times of being an actor in this city, but really, all in all, Chicago has been pretty amazing, and I will miss it.

I'll miss the Art Institute, and standing in front of my favorite Caillebotte, wanting to get lost in it.

I'll miss visiting the wolves and the dolphins and stingrays every year at the Brookfield Zoo.

I'll miss the Farmer's Market in Daley Plaza all summer.

I'll miss knowing the trains and buses and navigating around without a thought.

I'll miss the crunchy leaves underfoot in fall, and the first burst of bloom on my favorite trees in spring.

I'll miss the familiar buildings and streets and towns.

I'll miss Bristol.

But, most of all, I'll miss all the people I leave behind here. While it's true I will still talk to them, that California is not Mars, I cannot pretend that I can just hop in my car and see them in 45 minutes anymore. There are two roads in this wood, and I'm taking the one less traveled. It's not the safe choice; I know I could stay in Chicago, move into a little studio here, keep doing Bristol every summer and auditioning for little plays and doing costume commissions here and there. Maybe I would eventually meet someone here and get married, and it would be a nice little life. But, ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted something more. To take the chance. To reach for that dream that seems impossible. I was frightened for so long to do this, but if this process has taught me nothing else, it's taught me that if you want something enough, nothing should stop you. That dreams are worth it.

Tomorrow, I leave Chicago. I will come back to visit, of course; there are too many amazing people here not to. But, I know that after today, it will always just be a visit, that I am leaving this place behind and turning over a new leaf in my life.

End of Book One.

Ready to Launch . . .

Just a few last days of packing, and I'll be all set. It's amazing to me that I can get my life in boxes. The truth, of course, is that I can't; my life is so much more than boxes or suitcases or bins. My life needs no moving truck, or shipper, or plane ticket. In all the hustle and stress of this move, I need to keep a firm hold on that.

Favorite Site Tuesdays: Ped Ped

Large Tree Vinyl Wall Decal

It's no secret that I love the idea of wall decals; I've featured other sellers on my blog before. I am an unabashed fan of murals and wall decals are the easiest way to do one in a non-permanent way (a must for chronic apartment dwellers like myself!).

I discovered Ped Ped on Etsy not long ago, and fell in love with the minimalistic styles: beautiful tree silhouettes, wall-paper-inspired designs, and lots of color choices. I have little doubt once I move into the new place, I'll be placing a few orders with them.

Red Flower Tree with Birds Vinyl Wall Decal

16 Pieces of Black and White Design Vinyl Wall Decal

Tree Branch with Birds Vinyl Wall Decal

Which do you think I should order? I'm leaning towards the black and white design for the bathroom, and one of the tree designs for out in the apartment proper.

Visit Ped Ped; I dare you to not start imagining where you could apply these decals in your own place;)

California Decorating . . .

I'm starting to think about decorating my new space (even though I haven't seen it yet!). I'm hoping for lots of light, and I plan to use colors, riotous colors, which is something I never really had before. With all that sunshine, who can blame me for thinking in primaries? ;)

Boxing Day . . .

Yesterday was Boxing Day, in more ways than one. I spent around nine hours going through packed boxes with my sister to rearrange and seal them. then, I packed more. The costumes got boxed. The racks came down. The shelves in the workroom were taken apart. My life has become a stack of boxes: orderly, modular, completely masking the crazy beneath. 80% of it is from the workroom: trim and thread and fabric and beads and hats and wigs and heaven knows what else. I truly had no idea I had accumulated so much stuff.

I still have to tackle the kitchen and bathroom, which should take up one box each, and then . . . dun, dun, duunnnnnnnn: the bedroom. I have already packed some of my bedroom stuff, but if you were to walk into that room right now you would be assaulted by the god-awful mess and collection of things still straggling everywhere. I shiver to contemplate it: my New Years will no doubt be spent on this.

It's almost here. Two weeks from now, I will have spent my first weekend in my new apartment, in a new city, in a new state. I am excited and terrified, and I can't wait.

I just have to get there first.

'Tis the Season . . .

It's the holidays, so it's time to think about those less fortunate. The spirit of Christmas has always been, for me, the spirirt of giving, and not just ugly sweaters and ties. So, here's my annual round-up of my favorite charities, and I hope you'll consider donating to these worthy causes and changing a few lives this holiday.

First up: Heifer International.

This charity is dedicated to helping people in underprivileged countries with livestock. You can donate a chicken, a cow, a goat, and any of these things can make it possible for that individual or family to eat, to have milk, to be able to sell that milk or eggs to support themselves. It costs so little to change someone's life; just $20 donates a flock of chickens. A cow is $500, but think how far that money goes.

Next up: American Cancer Society

I don't have to tell you all the good this charity does: not only does your donation help fund research to seek better treatments and possibly even one day a cure for this disease, but you can also help support programs that educate and counsel people recently diagnosed. You can also volunteer at events that raise awareness, and even give gifts in memory of those who have lost their battle with the disease. They are doing good work everyday for those with cancer, and they are near and dear to my heart.

Finally: ASPCA

Okay, if the picture above doesn't melt your heart, I don't know what would;) The ASPCA is on the front lines saving animals from abusive situations, getting them medical treatment, helping strays, and in general making life better for our four-legged friends. Your donation could feed a homeless animal for a month, or get a stray cat or dog neutered and off the streets. You could be supporting a horse rescued from the slaughterhouse, or a rabbit that would have been euthenized when its owner refused to care for it. Their motto says it all: We are their voice. They cannot speak, so we need to speak up for them.

Lastly, a little bit of a personal plea. I hate asking for money; it's very hard for me, for obvious reasons. But, in spite of all I've tried to do to save money for the move, my rabbit recently got sick and his vet visits ended up costing me nearly $1000. I was happy I had the money to spend, but it means I'm very, very short. At this point, I can pay for the movers or my apartment, and I can't afford anything else. If you are reading this and you are so inclined, I'd greatly appreciate any small donation. Even $5 helps. The button on the top left connects to my "California or Bust" fund. I'd much rather you give money to the charities above before giving to me, but if you have anything left, I'd be endlessly grateful.

Happy Holidays, dear readers!

Love Conquers Cold . . .

I know it's taken me a few days to post on the wedding; after over a year of planning, I needed a few days of downtime to get my head back on straight. It's hard to believe it actually happened, and is over now.

I'll post later about the cake; that deserves it's own post;) This is just for day-of stuff.

First off, the Fairfield Inn and Suites is pretty awesome. Tabitha and I stayed the night on Friday (getting very little sleep), and while i don't have much experience of hotels, this was one of the nicer ones I've stayed in. Kudos to you guys, Fairfield. Saturday morning, the lovely ladies of Hairspray Revolution showed up to do our hair and makeup, and they made us all look truly beautiful (even me!). I cannot wait to have official pictures from Sarah Anna Hansen to show, but for now y'all will just have to look at the candids we were all taking;)

We ran a little behind with hair and makeup, and by the time we were ready to depart for the venue, it was cold and rainy. Tabitha donned her cape and muff, looking amazing, and we headed out under umbrellas.

Mrs. Murphy's and Sons Irish Bistro were pretty stupendous. I didn't worry about them all evening, which is pretty big for me! They got things done, and a special thanks to our day-of coordinator, our friend K., and her assistant J! Without them, there's no way things would have looked and worked the way they did!

Tabitha just glowed all night. the ceremony was beautiful and meaningful and we all sniffled and laughed our way through it, as it should be. I'm so glad our best friend R was the officiant; it gave the night even more meaning.

Dinner was delicious, but I don't remember much of it; we had to eay fast and then get up to take pictures! Still, what I do remember was pretty good;) At least none of the centerpieces fell apart or caught fire!

Thank you, DJ A-E! You added exactl what the night needed: great music and fun! I'm glad we have crazy friends, it was such a great time.

Yes; Tabitha did wear a Seamstress of Avalon piece for the reception;) You even need to ask?

All in all, the night was amazing and pretty much hitch-free. Everything was beautiful, and I'm so happy for them both. Now, onward to California!

Wish . . .

I have a phone interview tomorrow for a place I'd really like to work. Everybody cross fingers and toes and send me a little luck in a jar . . . I need it!

Vlogging is coming.

If that sounds ominous, it probably should;) I made the decision a few weeks aago that once I made the move out West, I would need to start vlogging to keep my friends and family back home informed of my doings (and to keep the from forgetting what I look like). I don't imagine the video-blogs will be deep, introspective entries into the ether, but I do hope to do a few how-tos and video dress diaries.

To that end: does anyone have recommendations for PC movie editing software? I've been looking at Sony Vegas, and I'd love to hear from people who might have experience with it!